r/funny Channelate Nov 23 '21 Silver 1 Gold 1 Helpful 1 Wholesome 1

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5.3k Upvotes

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188

u/Slow_man_shuffle Nov 23 '21

As a former mattress maker, this was my go to line.

Sixty percent of the time, it worked every time.

47

u/macsare1 Nov 23 '21

I just read this as mistress maker

26

u/Exyen Nov 24 '21

Whats the difference?

8

u/BigUptokes Nov 24 '21

Is where it's at.

73

u/draivaden Nov 24 '21

She sounds disappointed, but brought the latte with her

10

u/arkangelic Nov 24 '21

Women only want one thing, and it's disgusting

6

u/Baelgul Nov 24 '21

Quilted bed sets?

12

u/HarrySchlong33 Nov 24 '21

Didn't match her thot thoughts.

4

u/A_L_A_M_A_T Nov 24 '21

Unless her kink is getting it on quilted bed covers

43

u/potentially_based Nov 23 '21

marry that man

11

u/nuephelkystikon Nov 24 '21

Who says he's available?

16

u/chaotichistory Nov 23 '21

I'd love a heavy quilt right about now

12

u/Selix317 Nov 24 '21

I've been this oblivious before. I was drunk at a college party and finally had the nerve to hit on this outrageously hot military/student chick. Turns out she was completely up for it and suggested we go back to my place. She took me back to my dorm and I told her thanks for the ride back and went up to my room and went to sleep.

Yep... I will never forgive myself for that missed opportunity.

8

u/jorgelino_ Nov 24 '21

I was at a party at a friend's house once, we were playing poker at a table next to the pool, while others were dancing/drinking/etc. Two girls called my name, asking me to come over there, and i was like "What do you want? Can't you see i'm busy here?". They insisted a little, but wouldn't tell me what they wanted upfront, so i didn't move until they gave up and called someone other guy. This guy then proceeded to kiss both of them at once.

26

u/pakidara Nov 23 '21

If he really wants to seal the deal, he need to show her is unpainted Warhmmer 40,000 collection.

24

u/ActionFlank Nov 23 '21

Unpainted? Heresy.

12

u/DuraMorte Nov 24 '21

I'm here for titties and heresy.

And I'm all out of heresy.

6

u/squeegee_boy Nov 24 '21

I used to be exactly this smooth.

6

u/NorwegianBeef Nov 23 '21

What a legend

6

u/iprocrastina Nov 24 '21

As an asexual man who dates, this is my life...

3

u/terriblestoryteller Nov 24 '21

I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is.

3

u/swapode Nov 24 '21

I'd feel insulted if someone called my brew "coffee shop level", no way I'd show them my blanket.

2

u/lyrico2 Nov 24 '21

Oh God this is fucking great

2

u/Speedracer98 Nov 24 '21

i mean i made a pillow case with flannel in home ec 8th grade and i still use it 20 years later

2

u/Lavanthus Nov 24 '21

Fuck yea, man. A good heavy quilt is the tits.

My step mother made one for me that is heavy, black and red, and has some amazing fabric underneath for comfort, and it has my name on it. One of my favorite things I own, and I’m a 29 year old man who lives 700 miles away from his closest family.

5

u/Spoom_of_Doom02 Nov 23 '21

Virginity is cool, remain pure

1

u/Science_Fiction2798 Nov 24 '21

Well how bout you look at my MELONS

I grew them myself 😊

1

u/namarenante33 Nov 24 '21

Max level Redditor right there!

1

u/w_kat Nov 24 '21

looks more handtied technically ;)

1

u/ExperienceSilver5499 Nov 24 '21

I’d be showing her my beautifully tended crops in the field.

1

u/coffeenerd75 Nov 24 '21

Jokes on him, no one wants to be professional in bed.

1

u/Remote-thing Nov 24 '21

she's expecting something hahaha..

1

u/AverageGunpla Nov 24 '21

What's wrong? "I'm in this cartoon and I don't like it."

Funny strip, good job.

1

u/AlecTheViz Nov 24 '21

I’m making a quilt for my gf right now and I feel attacked lol

1

u/alien_player Nov 24 '21

Stay pure.

1

u/v_i_v_i_ Nov 24 '21

r u srys

1

u/More-Explanation-168 Nov 24 '21

This shows exactly how oblivious we men are when we’re being flirted with.

1

u/Yzd_Ultradeath Nov 24 '21

Now that's a man of many talrnts.

1

u/Public_West8947 Nov 25 '21

I like this one(-:

1

u/HelpfulViewer2016 Dec 01 '21

this is SO my husband :)

-2

u/CptBoatDad Nov 24 '21

A mild chuckle. Like, the kind that is only in your head, and involves no facial expression whatsoever.

-1

u/webgruntzed Nov 24 '21

I felt compelled to do this. https://imgur.com/a/CgMo93M

3

u/wwwdiggdotcom Nov 24 '21

reupload it to imgur?

1

u/webgruntzed Nov 24 '21

Maybe one of these will work:

https://i.imgur.com/B0xofXB.png

https://imgur.com/B0xofXB

<a href="https://imgur.com/B0xofXB"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/B0xofXB.png" title="source: imgur.com" /></a>

-1

u/clevermonikerhere Nov 24 '21

this guy incels

-1

u/Zbergman92 Nov 24 '21

100 percent have done this. Then took a shower and freaked out at 17 because "I'm about to do it" then ruin the mood by totally acting "normal"

1

u/nuephelkystikon Nov 24 '21

What?

1

u/Zbergman92 Nov 24 '21

I had a situation where I brought a girl over to my house to show her something cool. She thought I was asking her over for sex. When I finally realized what I had gotten myself into, I freaked out and took a shower. Water always helps me quell intrusive/negative feedback loops.

By the time I got out, I had realized that I had set up and ruined a moment with a girl I was interested, because I just didn't know the I was even being a provocateur. I just thought it was cool that she also liked Pokemon cards.

1

u/nuephelkystikon Nov 25 '21

Where do you live where ‘Come over, I'll show you something cool’ is best explained with ‘They're probably trying to trick me into sex instead of just asking’?

1

u/Zbergman92 Nov 25 '21 edited Nov 25 '21

It was more or less the time(it was like ten years ago) and it was a "oh hey while you're dropping me off anyways, come check this out!"

Like, I was genuinely excited she liked Pokemon, and she thought "that" was my goal. So, obviously when she asked that, I had a mini anxiety attack, and was like "WTFFFF" and said that I had to go take a shower right quick because my brain short-circuited, and I needed to understand how this came to be, and was just genuinely confused.

Lol, I was the one that backed off and was like "uhhh I'm really kinda feeling weird, and am really just in shock. I wasn't mentally prepared for this, sorry" and felt like shit about it for years, because I thought I was the bad guy.

After I found out I was on the spectrum, I was kind of able to dissect the moment a little better. Sorry for not explaining better. Talking about sex openly is kind of weird for me... I'm not generally that kind of person to be promiscuous at all. Bad stuff happened before and I don't discuss this kind of stuff with people that aren't sexual partners, so... There's that too. Lol MB that sounded really sketch after reading it. Lol no, I just thought my collection of all the 102 og ones was fuckin sick. And that's where the thought stopped and started.

1

u/nuephelkystikon Nov 26 '21

Okay, so from you two sharing a hobby she just assumed you were a) straight, b) allosexual and c) trying to rape her? And she tried to take advantage of that to have sex with you? What the fuck is wrong with people?

1

u/Zbergman92 Nov 26 '21 edited Nov 27 '21

Yes. However, no to three. I'm so sorry but it's turned into a complicated mess to explain everything lol. So, here's the story.

She proposed sex(you know, like after a date, and someone "goes, oh I got something to show you!". I didn't think twice about what I said when I said it. I thought we were just hanging out, as I was bored and she was like "yo! Let's hang out!"), and thus I mentally got really overstimulated (I say my brain just short circuits), so I took a shower to calm myself down, because I just couldn't process reality beyond that proposition. We were friends for a while, and hung out a few times before that. Also, I had no idea about a lot of my mental health situation until much later on in life, so I was just going through the motions of what I thought was the right thing to do. It was just unfortunate timing, because I did like her, I just wanted things to go slower than that, but I couldn't verbalize those emotions(because at the time, I just genuinely didn't know how to process overstimulation, nor had I any inclination of what that was or felt like), I'm sure she would have understood, and maybe it wouldn't have went down as it did. But again, I didn't know how process much back then, and I thought that my lack of sociability/gravitation towards music was just me learning to adapt to a very harsh childhood. I think In a lot of ways, not knowing helped me process a lot of stuff that shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I was the oldest child in a pretty nasty divorce that involved intense legal stuff in regards to child custody. So, with that being said, a lot of the time my parents were trying to get me to relay a message, working, fucking off with a new wife/husband, and playing babysitter on "date nights". I could cook a full course meal and had the ability to play in a jazz band professionally just because I had to compulsively do things to not focus on stuff.

I never really got the mental health help I needed until I got into the wrong career field and had several very traumatic events happening, resulting and culminating in an attempted suicide, followed by more bad stuff, which has led to me being in and out of my career, because I just didn't get the care I needed because of the legal system. Divorces can destroy lives.

Again, I'm so sorry for the long response and what this has turned into. But no, it was nobody's fault really, except for maybe selfish parenting/lack of care and attention towards kids/general spite between parents, blinding them to their children's needs.

0

u/Zbergman92 Nov 24 '21

Sorry, im really bad at explaining things with context. I had a very long period of time in my early adult years in which telling a full, detailed story was essentially grounds tov get chewed out by my journeyman.