r/dankmemes 3d ago

Wasn't planning on that... Historical🏟Meme

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57k Upvotes

u/MedicatedAxeBot 3d ago

Dank.


i am a bot. please stop trying to argue with me. you look like an idiot. join our discord.

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u/Stev69420 3d ago

I'm fine, I take care of my cat

2k

u/Kysman95 3d ago

But can you name 42 sins you didn't comit?

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u/averyordinaryperson 3d ago

I didnt kill 42 people when i had the chance

1k

u/Kysman95 3d ago

Ok, that's one sin

1k

u/averyordinaryperson 3d ago

But it happened on 42 separate occasions!

1k

u/Kysman95 3d ago

Gimli: THAT STILL ONLY COUNTS AS ONE!

566

u/Potatonator9001 3d ago

I also didn't kill 41 people when I had the chance to

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u/jamieliddellthepoet 3d ago

looks around nervously as we approach 24

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u/RoaringLiono 3d ago

41 potential murders on the wall, 41 potential murders. Take one down, confess it around, 40 potential murders on the wall...

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u/Meme_Entity 3d ago

40 potential murders on the wall, 40 potential murders. Take one down, confess it around, 39 potential murders on the wall...

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u/Impossible-Car-9568 3d ago

39 potential murders on the wall, 39 potential murders. Take one down, confess it around, 38 potential murders on the wall...

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u/CanaBusdream 3d ago

I would've fucked them afterwards. Two.

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u/LightlyStep 3d ago

And eaten them after that. Three.

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u/QuarterOunce_ 3d ago

Then freeze them for later consumption

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u/Cygnus94 3d ago

I feel like that's Sin 3b rather than Sin 4.

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u/Papa_Shasta 3d ago

I have most definitely never washed my feet in the Nile River when nobody was looking.

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u/Yung_Bungle 3d ago

Also, I’ve never pooped

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u/Zetafunction64 3d ago

I didn't cause nuclear holocaust

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

... so far

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u/Frost-King 3d ago

I mean if I'm telling this in the afterlife I probably am not going to cause a nuclear holocaust. Unless I possess a guy that has the ability to do this and make him do it...

Can I do that? Because if I can I am choosing not to. That's gotta count for something right?

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u/casper_the_ghost1 3d ago

This is just a matter of time

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u/Achtelnote 3d ago

I didn't jerk off to R34 of Anubis and Osiris.

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u/ChintanP04 3d ago

Sweats nervously

13

u/Bakoro Virgins in Paris 3d ago

So that's one sin committed, at least you're honest I guess, but that wasn't the prompt.

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u/FoldOne586 3d ago

You must be an ass if you're worried about the scales.

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u/Plastic_Pinocchio 3d ago

You don’t have to come up with the sins yourself. That would just be ridiculous. They just give you a list, don’t they? And then weigh your heart.

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

I don't know. I'll surely ask them when I see them

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u/Koffieslikker INFECTED 3d ago

Is your heart lighter than a feather though?

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u/adolfojp 3d ago

Joke's on them. I have no heart.

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u/GmoneyTheBroke 3d ago

When you think your going to heaven and you slowly wake up to sounds of battle and theres a bunch of dudes with beards fighting with axes

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

Only if you die in battle, otherwise you go to Hel

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u/Memer973562 3d ago edited 3d ago

FÖR VALHALLA!!

205

u/Binkabonkaa 3d ago

För*

131

u/Memer973562 3d ago

Thank you, Brother!

104

u/Lieuwe21 3d ago

Bröther*

82

u/ImperialFists 3d ago

Step-brö*

51

u/atomicseanace 3d ago

What are you doing step-viking?

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u/BigDaddyFatSack42069 3d ago edited 3d ago

Help me step viking, I'm stuck in the Fjörd

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u/Starkregen 3d ago

För wörld dömünatiön

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u/Binkabonkaa 3d ago

Jag kommer slå ner alla rös du byggde när du var sex om du sätter ett ända till dubble prick på dina bokstäver

/S

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u/snarky- 3d ago

[Scandinavian noises] double prick [Scandinavian noises]

Ooooo them fighting words

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u/matti-san 3d ago

Nah, if you're a good person and die outside of battle you go to Folkvangr

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u/nobird36 3d ago

Half the people that die in battle go to Folkvangr

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u/matti-san 3d ago

That is also true, and then there's all the places that people go to during and after Ragnarok too

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u/Xanvial 3d ago

Heaven level 2

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u/corvettee01 3d ago

Viking Boogaloo

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u/dandaman910 3d ago

Which is like Valhalla but for hippies instead of metalheads. Nice flowery meadows and shit.

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u/ImpPilot 3d ago

The duality of man.

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u/Stewy_434 3d ago

Sounds incredible.

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u/The_Blue_Gummy 3d ago

Not entirely correct. Valkyrie only brought warriors slain in battle to the feasting hall, where they would await Ragnarok, but it and Hel where not the only places the dead could/would go to.

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u/Sarithis 3d ago

There's a sorting helmet that assigns every dead person to the given place, but you can kind of influence its decision by thinking "please not Hel, please not Hel"

11

u/TheWarmog 3d ago

Nice Harry potter reference

29

u/bongjonajameson 3d ago

What if you die fighting the toughest fight of your life.....a terminal disease?

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u/Jbliu 3d ago

Straight to Hel.

44

u/thisishell421 3d ago

If you undercook chicken straight to hel.

40

u/Ongr 3d ago

If you overcook chicken, believe it or not, also Hel.

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u/corvettee01 3d ago

You make an appointment with the Jarl and don't show up, right to Hel.

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u/Tig0lBittiesss 3d ago

Living in these streets is an everyday battle.

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u/LoliMaster069 3d ago

You wake up to the Skyrim opening scene

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u/NaPseudo 3d ago

Hey you finally awake ?

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u/Repulsive-Leg-1668 3d ago

You were trying to cross the border right?

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u/baron_iird123 I'm Batman 3d ago edited 3d ago

Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there.

Lokir: Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn’t been looking for you, I could’ve stolen that horse and been half way to Hammerfell. You there. You and me — we should be here. It’s these Stormcloaks the Empire wants.

Ralof: We’re all brothers and sisters in binds now, thief.

Imperial Soldier: Shut up back there!

Lokir looks at the gagged man.

Lokir: And what’s wrong with him?

Ralof: Watch your tongue! You’re speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak, the true High King.

Lokir: Ulfric? The Jarl of Windhelm? You’re the leader of the rebellion. But if they captured you… Oh gods, where are they taking us?

Ralof: I don’t know where we’re going, but Sovngarde awaits.

Lokir: No, this can’t be happening. This isn’t happening.

Ralof: Hey, what village are you from, horse thief?

Lokir: Why do you care?

Ralof: A Nord’s last thoughts should be of home.

Lokir: Rorikstead. I’m…I’m from Rorikstead.

[They approach the village of Helgen. A soldier calls out to the lead wagon.]

Imperial Soldier: General Tullius, sir! The headsman is waiting!

General Tullius: Good. Let’s get this over with.

Lokir: Shor, Mara, Dibella, Kynareth, Akatosh. Divines, please help me.

Ralof: Look at him, General Tullius the Military Governor. And it looks like the Thalmor are with him. Damn elves. I bet they had something to do with this.

This is Helgen. I used to be sweet on a girl from here. Wonder if Vilod is still making that mead with juniper berries mixed in. Funny…when I was a boy, Imperial walls and towers used to make me feel so safe.

A man and son watch the prisoners pull into town.

Haming: Who are they, daddy? Where are they going?

Torolf: You need to go inside, little cub.

Haming: Why? I want to watch the soldiers.

Torolf: Inside the house. Now.

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u/WhiteHydra1914 3d ago

Leave a bit to the rest of us next time, will you?

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u/baron_iird123 I'm Batman 3d ago

I get carried away when something is Skyrim related

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u/GavinZac 3d ago

Never should have come here.

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u/baron_iird123 I'm Batman 3d ago

"Well ain't this a surprise!"

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u/AnInfluentialFigure 3d ago

Disrespect the thread, and you disrespect me.

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u/averyordinaryperson 3d ago

Got caught by that imperial ambush?

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u/jc1593 3d ago

For the mythology nerds out there there is a few ways this is the most incorrect layman way to describe Norse mythology
1. Valhalla is an exclusive clubs for dead warriors died in battles only, it literally means Hall of the Fallen
2. Valhalla prepares these warriors to fight in Ragnarok, the end of time in Norse mythology, but they're only drinking ales or something no one is doing any fightings (yet) and there will be no sound of battle
3. Most people go to Hel (Helheim)

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u/Will-the-Archer 3d ago

Wait, so if even you’re one of the best warriors around but you die in your sleep, you go to Helheim and not Valhalla? Jeez.

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u/jc1593 3d ago

Yes, dying in your sleep counted as a coward way to go in Norse mythology, so no unlimited ales for you

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u/JeebusChristBalls 3d ago

I imagine you had to go out there and stage a fight so you could die before you died in your sleep.

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u/jc1593 3d ago

You just described the Viking culture

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u/Alarid Seal Team sixupsidedownsix 3d ago

Oh no I'm in a gay porno again!

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u/greninjake 3d ago

I've played Ac Valhalla. I think I'm good to go.

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u/lucidxm 3d ago

Till Valhalla brother

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u/OriginalTeo 3d ago

I hope my heart is lighter than a feather

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

To be fair. It's a pretty heavy feather

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u/Lukthar123 3d ago

But heart is heavier than feathers...

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u/_salted_ 3d ago

which is heavier, 1keelogram o heart or a keelogram o feather?

that's right, feathers

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u/Diederik2006 3d ago

ah yes keelogram

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u/CumbersumZero 3d ago

You missed the reference

https://youtu.be/yuOzZ7dnPNU

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u/Vark675 3d ago

That near silent, broken hearted "I dun get it :( " at the end always cracks me up lol

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u/AutumnsRed 3d ago

Bot heart is heavier dan feathers

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u/_BIG_DUMB_IDIOT 3d ago

What's Heavey machines of washing 1 mile or 1 mile of feathers

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u/Reyzorblade 3d ago

You shouldn't because then it'll get eaten. It needs to be exactly as heavy as the feather.

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u/OriginalTeo 3d ago

Oh, I remembered wrong then lol

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u/BobThefuknBuilder 3d ago

What is heavier, a 1kg heart or a 1kg feather?

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u/OriginalTeo 3d ago

My mom is heavier

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u/Aeiexgjhyoun_III 3d ago

That means you'll be eaten by a croc. It's supposed to be heavier. Or am I the one mixing it up?

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u/OriginalTeo 3d ago

As another user pointed out it should have the same weight, no more, no less

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u/ExoticPineNut 3d ago

egyptians realizing egyptian isnt a langauge o _o

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u/evening_shop 3d ago

... It is, though?

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u/deoxyriboneurotic Animated Flair Rainbow [Insert Your Own Text] 3d ago

Coptic I think.

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u/KILLA___QUEEN 3d ago edited 3d ago

modern Egyptians talk arabic. Anicent egypt heiroglyphs is a dead tongue no one knows how anything is spelled but they know what it means. The only thing that is left of it is the writing system.

Coptic is right too. But it's a language that came to egypt after the greek invasion. So it wasn't always the language.

Copts speak arabic mostly. They mostly use the coptic language in their church.

Edit: i fixed something that wasn't understanded well so people stop saying the same thing.

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u/deoxyriboneurotic Animated Flair Rainbow [Insert Your Own Text] 3d ago

Thanks for the info!

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u/Metroidkeeper 3d ago

From my understanding Coptic is actually a distant descendant of the original Egyptian language with heavy Greek influences. Specifically the alphabet.

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u/KILLA___QUEEN 3d ago

Correct. But even coptic is a dead language but is still used by a minority group in egypt.

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u/KenBoCole 3d ago

Then technically, it is not a dead language if people.use it outside academic studies

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u/reallybiglizard 3d ago

A language is considered dead when it is no longer the native language of any community, even if it is still in use.

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u/ThunderBuns935 3d ago

Anicent egypt heiroglyphs is a dead tongue no one knows how anything is spelled but they know what it means. The only thing that is left of it is the writing system.

this isn't true, at least not entirely. obviously we can't be absolutely certain, but people figured out how Ancient Egyptian would have most likely sounded. to do this they used proper names, since they would have to be pronounced similarly in different languages. the first was Ptolemy on the Rosetta stone. it's taken years and years, but Hieroglyphics are now a semi-phonetic language.

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u/Nelson676 3d ago

What language were they speaking in The Mummy when they read from the book of the dead/book of the living?

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u/KILLA___QUEEN 3d ago edited 3d ago

I don't know.

But lmao that reminded me when i watched the movie with my mom she said that they are probably speaking coptic or just random words.

Since coptic is a dead language but is spoken by some people in the arabic community using greek alphabet.

Something like latin.

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u/Bentresh 3d ago

It was a reconstruction of the ancient Egyptian language. Stuart Tyson Smith at UC Santa Barbara was the language consultant for The Mummy and Stargate.

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u/Nelson676 3d ago

Holy moly they were actually authentic. I'm surprised. I love the Mummy but I assumed for sure they used either gibberish or Arabic!

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u/6Bunz 3d ago

I think my IQ is too low to fully comprehend this meme. Explain it to me like I’m 4.

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u/Kysman95 3d ago edited 3d ago

Egyptian mythology.

In egyptian aftetlife, when you die a god Osiris judges your life and you confess your sins. Anubis cuts out your heart and weights it agains Isis's feather to see if you have good soul. If not, you get devoured by Ammut, a giant-ass crocodile.

But you can still get out of it, if you can name 42 sins you didn't comit

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u/hheecckk526 3d ago

If he provides me a list of sins I for sure can give him 42. If I need to list them off the top of my head then I'm fucked

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u/MostLaziestAss 3d ago

Show him uno reverse when you gotta recite all 42 sins

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u/magimack 3d ago

I have no knowledge of egyptian gods but even if they‘re only half as fucked up as greek gods this could backfire horribly.

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u/MostLaziestAss 3d ago

Either way you winning or you getting the last laugh. A win win in my book

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u/Shadowninja0409 3d ago

Pulling an uno reverse card on an Egyptian god is asking for you to get trapped in an infinite loop both of you eternally uno reversing… because come on it’s a god.. you don’t think it has one too?

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u/MostLaziestAss 3d ago

I am hoping it forgot it at home. And also im bringing block card so he skips the turn :)

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u/theClumsy1 3d ago

"Finally, I been saving this card for a thousand years!"

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u/ZoninoSan 3d ago

You just have to be clever about it - “I didn’t murder a twelve year old, I didn’t murder a thirteen year old, I didn’t murder a fourteen year old, I didn’t murder a sixteen year old” you get the idea

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u/crocsmasterrace 3d ago

Good that we’re planning ahead here, thanks for the LPT, or should I say ALPT…

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u/Mr_Banewolf 3d ago

... have you murdered a 15 year old?

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u/CONSTANTIN_VALDOR_ 3d ago

Just once but it was totally self defense

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u/YoungSalt 3d ago

Yes, but was it you or the 15 year-old doing the defending?

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u/Thatoneguy567576 3d ago

Wait a second

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u/tenmajr 3d ago

"That's not how you're supposed to play the game"

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u/askmypen 3d ago

Plot twist: There are only 41 to choose from.

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u/haitei 3d ago

Pretty sure it was a specific list, don't bother tho: I'm pretty sure everyone committed at least one of those sins.

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u/concretebeats 3d ago

I guess 42 really is the meaning of life.

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u/-Another_Redditor- 3d ago

And the universe, and everything

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u/zuzg 3d ago

And thanks for the fish

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u/gn01145600 3d ago

What should I do if I want to devoured by Isis instead?

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u/R3lay0 INFECTED 3d ago

go to syria?

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u/EdoDave_Dave_Dave 3d ago

Inject lead into your cardiac tissue

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u/Fillandkrizt 3d ago

I thought the bird in question was Thoth ?

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

Think Thoth was involded in the judgement of the dead wasn't a thing until much later in ancient Egypt, for most of the time the idea was that only Anubis and Osiris were involved

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u/SechDriez 3d ago

I thought the feather was from Maat. She's the one with the big wings that's everywhere on Egyptian temples. If I remember correctly she was the goddess of Justice or balance or smth

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

It could be, honestly, I'm not historian. I just read one article about egypt afterlife and made a meme, that's it

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u/sambutha 3d ago

𓊽𓊖𓊽𓎟𓃽

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u/CasualDoomBlade 3d ago

Years of playing yu-go-oh! Prepared me for this moment. It’s time to ddddddduel!

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u/UnlimitedPostWorks 3d ago

When the super-mega-ultra-chicken appears, just drop the Kaiju

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u/TheUnrivalFool 3d ago

To draw- monster carrddd dooo

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u/Asmeig 3d ago

Furries:

Oh yeah owo

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

Sir, this is no owo zone

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u/Asmeig 3d ago

umu

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u/thatwhichfails 3d ago

Cease

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u/Memer973562 3d ago edited 3d ago

this madness

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u/DownvoteDaemon Angry old black man who hates memes 3d ago

The curse of Ra begins.

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u/Ratathosk 3d ago

Is that different from the curse of Rammstein?

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u/DownvoteDaemon Angry old black man who hates memes 3d ago

Unfortunately sir or mam, it’s exponentially worse

8

u/Agitated_Resident337 3d ago

Explain

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u/DownvoteDaemon Angry old black man who hates memes 3d ago

You’ve just been cursed.

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u/MasterOfDerps 3d ago

When you die and see a fat dude telling you you're gonna live again but as a caterpillar gl hf

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

Speedrun

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u/DifferentStorm0 3d ago

I initially read that as being reborn as a "caterpillar gf" and was like o shit that's a new one

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u/GodIsAP-I-G-E-O-N 3d ago

My username prediction all along

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u/Pussy_plower 3d ago

He is the chosen one.

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u/poopellar big pp gang 3d ago

Walk like an Egyptian starts playing

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u/Yukorin1992 3d ago

Came here for a Jojo reference, was not disappointed.

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u/ConduckKing 3d ago

I am Egyptian and still don't know what language the ancient Egyptians spoke. Nobody does.

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u/Kysman95 3d ago edited 3d ago

Cool-ass graffiti

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u/evening_shop 3d ago

We still speak parts of it, in baby talk. You ever hear embu, nunu, kikha, 3aw, suk (elbab), ah, yooh (When someone's angry), or ba7? That's all old Egyptian passed down to Arabic

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u/Veboy 3d ago

How do you pronounce 3aw and ba7?

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u/lucidxm 3d ago

go to heaven

Jesus isn’t there

the Jews were right the whole time

Fuck

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

That's what you get for maining only one class.

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u/Frost-King 3d ago

Judaism also doesn't have hell, right? That's a pretty good deal too.

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u/Sharkictus 3d ago

Jews have one afterlife, which can be interpreted as atheist afterlife (essentially nothing), or vaguely unpleasant for all people, might be more unpleasant to more wicked folks.

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u/IamFrom2145 3d ago

Always amused me that Egyptian civilization lasted for almost 30 centuries, 3000 years, and this entire time, billions of people lived and died swearing on their lives that mythical beings controlled nature, like the sun was pulled across the sky by a bird headed man in a chariot, and they would have violently defended this if you suggested otherwise.

We say 'ha ha silly" but to them it was dead serious, they spent enormous effort building temples and pyramids because of it.....for over 15 times longer than the United States has even exsisted. And honestly, what beliefs do people have today that are any less silly? And they are dead certain of them as well.

Humans are weird, and incredibly unreliable in this area.

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u/uwantSAMOA 3d ago

Dying without 100s of pounds of grains, buttload of servants, and gold laid at your corpse

First time?

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u/Fancy-Dirt-pile 3d ago

Even worse, you enter a temple and they explain you didn't have good enough Karma to get paradise so you're being brought back as frog

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

On wednesday?

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u/Fancy-Dirt-pile 3d ago

It'll be great up until you hear the guy after you had enough credit to come back as a crane. You won't be gone long before having to come back again

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u/MarkyMarkB0i 3d ago

How heavy is your heart?

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u/averyordinaryperson 3d ago

Which one?

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u/PrimarchKonradCurze 3d ago

Ah we found a space marine.

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u/QualifiedRepeat7 3d ago

When you're chillin in yo grave and some extra-dimensional beings start questioning you in arabic

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u/ux3l 3d ago

How did the ancient Egyptians figure out if you go to heaven or hell?

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

Egyptian mythology.

In egyptian aftetlife, when you die a god Osiris judges your life and you confess your sins. Anubis cuts off your heart and weights it agains Isis's feather to see if you have good soul. If not, you get devoured by Ammut, a giant-ass crocodile.

But you can still get out of it, if you can name 42 sins you didn't comit

(Copying cause I'm lazy)

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u/iStickStuffsUpMyButt 3d ago

I’m asking for a friend … so before death let’s say that person masturbates furiously 42 times to Danny devito, that person is saved ?

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u/rahulv_1807 3d ago

If Danny Devito is his father/son/uncle/brother definitely yes.

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u/AliAwesome22 3d ago

I’m Egyptian and I can confirm that this is what happens when you die, so get ready to get your heart weighed

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u/sambutha 3d ago

𓃭𓊒𓄿𓍯𓂋𓂧𓊌𓄿𓆇𓇤

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u/supl1an 3d ago

And the "Camel by Camel" starts playing...

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u/Supraflow 3d ago

Did somebody ever wonder how to speak runes?

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u/Kysman95 3d ago

SCARAB FOREARM BIRD BIRD BIRD! (Drop the sarcophagus!)

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u/ChilesAintPeppers 3d ago

You get the afterlife of the land you are on. North America gets Mictlan and a Giant Skeleton and his Wife greet you as they speak Nahuatl

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u/PrimarchKonradCurze 3d ago

I want to get off Mr. Bones wild ride.

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u/Memer973562 3d ago

by the time we get to the scale, I'll just take a bank loan so I can go to the afterlife.

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u/Guybot1001 3d ago

Jaffa, kree!

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u/Intolerant_Edgelord 3d ago

Just practice every single religion that exists and has ever existed in the entirety of this planets existence then.

You can't be punished if you studied, practiced, and lived & breathed every last one of them ;).

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