r/NoStupidQuestions 7d ago Wholesome 6 Take My Energy 1 Bravo Grande! 1 Silver 12 Helpful 10

How do you tell your significant other you're going to take a dump? Answered

In terms of phrasing. Like I'm going to take a crap, shit, dump, poo, dookie squat? Surely there's some creative phrasing for this.

16.8k Upvotes

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u/IncrediblyMellow 7d ago Silver Helpful Wholesome I'm Deceased

Usually start walking then turn around and say 'don't follow me'.

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u/AnchovyZeppoles 7d ago Silver Wholesome

Similar to my gf who usually asks if I need the bathroom soon, and if not, “Ok cuz I gotta go commit a crime in there.”

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u/66666thats6sixes 7d ago Wholesome

"I'm gonna go crack the toilet bowl" is my go to

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u/drmehmetoz semi-trustworthy 7d ago

I gotta go send a fax to Cleveland

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u/Opinion8Her 7d ago edited 6d ago

Take the browns to the super bowl…

Drop the kids at the pool…

Call ahead to streets & sanitation…

Coffee kicked in…

Test the air freshener…

Pinch a loaf…

Lay some cable…

Exorcise the White Castle Demon…

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u/Siilis108 6d ago

Talk to the captain.

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u/------what------ 7d ago

Test the plumbing

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u/gynecaladria 7d ago

Going to punish the porcelain

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u/TeeflessSnek 7d ago edited 7d ago Silver Helpful Bravo!

Unless they are into that kind of thing, in which case you stare right into their eyes and say, "Follow me."

EDIT: My most popular comment ever is a quip about coprophilia. Not the fame I wanted...

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u/Double_Distribution8 7d ago Silver

"Follow me if you want to live"

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u/tomango 7d ago edited 6d ago Silver

“Get to da crapper”

Edit: thank you for the silver

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u/CasualGaming57 7d ago

Not with me. It's more "Follow me if you don't want to live"

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u/highestRUSSIAN 7d ago

eyes begin to burn

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u/kcoll-1 7d ago

Abe's Oddysee style

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u/notgodpo 7d ago

Follows by Abe's oddysee style fart

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u/JediKrys 7d ago

I heard the voice....

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u/poliscimjr 7d ago Helpful Wholesome

You look her deep in her eyes and say "Blumpkin?"

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u/DuncanStrohnd 7d ago Silver Wholesome

FaceTime usually. Though sometimes just an email if I know she’s busy.

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u/alt----f4 7d ago Silver Wholesome hehehehe

Dear madam

Do not enter the bathroom as I am currently voiding my bowels

Sincerely Strohnd

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u/tyleritis 7d ago Silver hehehehe

To Whom it May Concern,

Please be concerned. I regret the Taco Bell breakfast

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u/chillsergeantAS 7d ago

I ate Taco Bell last night and after what seemed like two rocks struggled their way out my sphincter a literal unending flow of liquid shit squirted out. So much relief. I don’t think I’m ready for thanksgiving dinner.

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u/starfire_23_13 7d ago

Sounds like you made room

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u/chillsergeantAS 7d ago

That’s one way to put it

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u/InquisitorBeak 7d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Narwhal Salute

"You don't need to shower anytime soon do you?"

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u/Alleoz 7d ago

This is the real answer.

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u/r4tzt4r 7d ago

I go with: "If you're going to use the bathroom, go now".

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u/Additional-Fun7249 7d ago

I shower after pinching a loaf.The curse of a hairy ass crack. I recommend a fart fan in the ceiling.

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u/wilted_greens 7d ago

Oh my god. My husband showers after every time he shits. He won't shit during the day if he doesn't have access to a shower. Straight up. It's the craziest thing to me as I'm a very casual pooper.

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u/OwlOfC1nder 7d ago

Not that you asked but I have 2 suggestions:

  • He should shave his ass crack. It's a life changer. Makes cleaning a breeze.

  • most people have no idea what the experience of having enough fiber in your diet is like. If he doesn't want to drastically change his diet, he could do what I do, which is to put a teaspoon of milled linseed in my cereal. The end result is poops that don't require wiping.

Combine these 2 and you(he) will never feel gross after pooping again.

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u/squid_actually 7d ago Helpful Wholesome

Also bidet.

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u/floatingwithobrien 7d ago

It's a butt shower. How is it not a great thing to Americans. I implore you.

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u/SevendigitSteamID 7d ago

WHY DID I HAVE TO SCROLL SO FAR FOR THIS

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u/vcrcopyofhomealone2 7d ago

Shaving your crack increases the risk of perianal abscesses, which are the true curse of hairy men. You don't want to go down that road, it means trips to the ER (they tend to recurr) and lots of awkward recovery time post-surgery (they leave a giant gaping hole next to your butthole as a pus-drain).

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u/Frost-Wzrd 7d ago

bruh what the absolute fuck

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u/ilaythebestpipe 7d ago

I didn’t sign up for this info lol

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u/Inquisitive_idiot 6d ago

You have now been unsubscribed from Ass Facts!

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u/BamaBlcksnek 7d ago

This is why you use a trimmer not a razor. NEVER Bic the downstairs.

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u/winowmak3r 7d ago Silver Wholesome

It can be like trying to wipe peanut butter off of a shag carpet sometimes. I'm not quite to the point where I refuse to poo anywhere I don't have shower access but I do prefer to poo at home. It's really weird. I could go an entire weekend visiting family or whatever and not poo once despite eating big 3 square meals a day so I should have to go but nope. As soon as I cross the threshold to my house though, bam I gotta go take a massive shit. I'm not making this up, lol.

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u/techrx 7d ago

There are others like this too… you are not alone!

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u/winowmak3r 7d ago

I just want to know why, lol. Why?! Why am I like this?!

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u/pie_monster 7d ago edited 7d ago

Safety. You're vulnerable when crapping, so it's much better if you're on your own turf when it happens.

EDIT: Incidentally, LPT for those who hold it in and get constipated because of it...have a slug of olive oil and wait an hour. It turns "attempting to pass a bowling ball" into a regular (but possibly extended) poop. I'm saying this, not as someone who just can't in public; but as a lazy gamer who just ignores stuff until it's urgent. The physics is the same. We're talking 1/4 pint / 4-5 shots sort of amount of olive oil. Discovered this fairly recently and already I reckon it's added a couple of weeks onto the life of my ringpiece.

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u/AjaxTheWanderer 7d ago

Everyone in my life keeps telling me that my dream of inventing a gaming chair that is also a toilet is unrealistic and weird, but then I find people like you and I find my fires of creativity reignited once again.

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u/youtheotube2 7d ago

That’s how you get hemorrhoids though. Sitting over a hole for hours on end

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u/Jeheh 7d ago

Ive always wondered about that. When I need to go...I need to go, its not like I can schedule a time a few hours from now. How does he even manage that?

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u/wilted_greens 7d ago

It's insane. I've seen him literally bent over in pain because he needs to poop but won't because we're in the grocery store. Like you don't know these people! You're anonymous! Tear that shit up!!

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u/Anezay Rule. Fucking. One. 7d ago Bravo Grande!

I would recommend a bidet! It's much more convenient than the full shower, you can connect one to an existing toilet, and Hello Tushy has sponsored a million freaking youtubers or whatever, so you can find promo codes to get discounts or just get the basic one on Amazon, I don't care, I'm not the boss of your asshole.

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u/Tunasaladboatcaptain 7d ago

I'm not the boss of your asshole.

Do you want to be?

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u/Beneficial_Elk_182 7d ago

Stares into eyes.. You could be...

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u/maywellbe 7d ago

Do you want to be?

What the pay & benefits being offered? Pre-reqs?

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u/TheGreatDeadFoolio 7d ago

I might not be able to shower right after I get home from work. But a bidet blast sure makes ya feel a lot better as soon as you get home.

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u/lordofpersia 7d ago

Who does number 2 work for?

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u/Devil-Tiger 7d ago

that's right buddy, you show that turd who's boss!

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u/TradesSexForFood 7d ago

Why not shit during the shower? Flatten the poop with your feet. Saves water.

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u/Corkscrew1991 7d ago

The good ol wafflestomp

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u/Temporary_Plane1348 7d ago

Yes, waffle stomp it thru the drain

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u/MrSingularitarian 7d ago edited 7d ago

Uncanny, this is almost word for word what I said to my fiance an hour ago lol

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u/simonbleu 7d ago

Lol I use that with my family "Does anyone needs to use the bathroom anytime soon?"

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u/Cascadianheathen1 7d ago

Classy gentleman

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u/jamaccity 7d ago

If they say yes, grab a towel and newspaper and tell them, "No you don't." or "Do you really.". You may get away with, "Can I watch?".

"I'll wash your back if you wipe mine.", just pisses 'em off though.

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u/pupuphlatter 7d ago Helpful Wholesome Seal of Approval

Incoming

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u/msing539 7d ago edited 7d ago

You just yell out incoming?? Even though it's outgoing?

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u/EnbyKnight 7d ago Silver

Would you yell OUTGOING if you saw a bomb fallin on top of u

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u/ImDoeTho 7d ago

Just to get real anal about it, if the bomb was falling towards me I'd yell INCOMING. Butt if I dropped it, I'd yell OUTGOING

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u/Wintermute993 7d ago

so you are saying the best way to say that you are going to poop is to yell "BOMBS AWAY"

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u/ImDoeTho 7d ago

That's only when actively pooping. You wouldn't start yelling that while you're not even in the air yet

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u/TheKynosaur 7d ago

butt

hehehehehehe

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u/Phaseinvert 7d ago

I think this brings up the question of where exactly are you taking a dump?

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u/9_Fingers 7d ago

Fire in the hole!!

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u/LegitKactus 7d ago

Who read this in Heavy's voice?

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u/Cascadianheathen1 7d ago Silver

This evolves the longer you are married. At first my wife (gf at the time) would double lock herself in the bedroom and then bathroom to ensure no poop sounds could be heard. Now married with two kids 15 years later it’s just a simple, “I really gotta shit”.

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u/cassanthrax 7d ago

This is correct. After 35 years and an empty nest, we just announce 'going to shit now'. Usually answered with 'have a good one'.

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u/FabulousComment 7d ago Take My Energy

I just go I don’t even bother announcing it it’s just assumed I’m in there shitting

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u/Unusual_Locksmith_91 7d ago

Depending on the situation. If you're in a home with only one bathroom, or in a hotel or something, it's common courtesy to offer up the toilet, before you go destroy it (emergencies not counting, if course). In our old place, we'd just do the "Oi! I gotta take a dump, you need the bathroom?" Similarly, if you're going for a shower. Now, we have more bathrooms than humans, and it's lovely. We still usually announce when we're going for a shit, though, for some reason or another.

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u/flyinmetal 7d ago

Married for 12 years with 1 bathroom... I don't announce, now i just take pleasure in the fact that she might have to use the bathroom after i destroy it. Just like i have to deal with her sleep farts.

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u/Lrv130 7d ago

Exactly! We have 2 "pooping bathrooms" now that we both work from, so whoever is going first just asks "which bathroom do you want?"

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u/N69420 7d ago

You work from the bathroom? I suppose it’s a place as convenient as any for an office.

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u/Lrv130 7d ago

I'm leaving it. 😂

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u/No_Construction_5114 7d ago

60 years in and i still have to lock the door.

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u/everythingisgoo 7d ago

I’ve been with my bf for almost 5 years and I’d say after a few months we would also just say “gonna go take a shit” or whatever lol. Glad we got to that point early on it made things easier

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u/aaronite 7d ago Helpful Heartwarming

"I'm going to go poo now" "Good luck!"

This exactly what we say to each other.

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u/noggin-scratcher 7d ago Wholesome

In our household it's "Have fun", or "I'm rooting for you", rather than "Good luck" - same energy though.

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u/Pandippy 7d ago

"Mention my name and you'll get a good seat."

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u/TokenWhiteMage 7d ago

Lmao this is one I’m saving. I normally say “have fun” but this is a good one to throw in every 10 poops or so

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u/Lokfar 7d ago

You might also enjoy this thread of responses for when someone knocks while in the bathroom.

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u/TokenWhiteMage 7d ago

Thank you for this. I’m definitely stealing the idea of knocking back, or saying “come in”.

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u/birthdaycakeboi 7d ago

“Hope it all comes out okay!”

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u/Not__Great__Bob 7d ago

i go with “be brave” lol no idea why

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u/Randi_Scandi 7d ago

I started saying “remember a running start”, whenever someone says they’re going to the bathroom.

I do not know why I said it to begin with, but I found it funny, so kept it as a joke, and now it is my standard response.

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u/heavymedalist 7d ago

I say “don’t have too much fun”

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u/Mel1548 7d ago

“Hope everything comes out ok” is my favorite lol

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u/baconstrips4canada 7d ago

Same here and after coming back we always ask if they had a good poop.

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u/SonofSilvrBack 7d ago Giggle

My teen.."Don't mess up!"

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u/DickySchmidt33 7d ago

For generations my ancestors have been doing the funky chicken as a ritualistic announcement to others that they were prepared to move their bowels.

Keeping this tradition alive has made us closer as a family.

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u/killbunnycorcoran 7d ago

I love this one

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u/peatwhisperer 7d ago Wholesome

"Please put some loud music on"

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u/Muffinpantsu 7d ago

My husband used to do this with Alexa. Before leaving the room he would just pick a song and ask Alexa to play that 🤣

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u/Glockanda 7d ago Silver

Alexa, play Push it Real Good by Salt n Pepa

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u/janiesgotagun222 7d ago

My boyfriend says he has to put his "sweat pants" on. It's become our inside joke. "Wait, are you actually putting on your sweat pants or are you putting on your sweat pants?"

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u/Orynae 7d ago

We have this problem with "gotta save my game". (In no more heroes, you go to the bathroom in-game to save.) That one's not specifically for pooping, just going to the bathroom in general; but it's caused confusion before in the situation of "wait a sec, gotta do something before we head out the door / sit down to eat"

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u/Marcelonn 7d ago

My girlfriend and I say to each other "I'm gonna play some Candy Crush" as our inside joke.

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u/ajbdbds 7d ago Helpful Wholesome

"I'm going to take a massive shit using my arsehole"

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u/msing539 7d ago Silver

You're certainly not lacking specificity

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u/ajbdbds 7d ago Helpful

I like to keep my intentions clear

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u/diabeto2018 7d ago Silver Wholesome

And intestines

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u/Yellopz 7d ago

Is there a way to take a shit without using your arsehole? Am I missing out on another shitting experience?

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u/yungmungo 7d ago

You gotta eat through your butt and poop through your mouth.

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u/zxDanKwan 7d ago

So the answer is “no, I am not ‘missing’ an experience.”

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u/Sky_Ill 7d ago

Sure, just pick it up

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u/8Gh0st8 7d ago

For a serious answer, yes, people can have ostomy bags.

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u/SamYushin 7d ago Wholesome

I used the exact same words a minute ago and now I'm takeing a shit whilst typing this. ... and I'm done.

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u/4kidsmom1 7d ago Silver

We just get up and go. No announcement needed

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u/Numerous-Speed4638 7d ago

The whole post is confusing to me. Why is it something people need to announce? If we happen to be doing something together, it's "brb". Otherwise, nothing, just go. We'll each figure it out if the other one is mysteriously missing for an extended period of time.

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u/Orynae 7d ago

Because we only have one toilet and want to give the other person the courtesy of potentially using it first, of we know in advance it's gonna take a long time.

It's not something we announce every time or would go all the way to another room to announce, but sometimes a warning is warranted (if we're just returning home for example)

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u/Numerous-Speed4638 7d ago

I might ask if the other person needs to pee. But it's not "I'mma go unload a dump, cya".

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u/Mortisimus13 7d ago

I found the adult

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u/xelop 7d ago

Yeah we don't say anything. Just get up and go. Don't have to yell each other every minute lol

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u/longassboy 7d ago

Say very calmly “Krakatoa.” And walk to the bathroom

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u/bassman2112 7d ago

This absolutely wins, imo

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u/toofarbyfar 7d ago Silver Wholesome I'll Drink to That

Scream "DON'T LOOK AT ME, I'M UNCLEAN" then run away to the bathroom, crying.

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u/msing539 7d ago

Thanks, this can apply to all of my life situations.

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u/OutlyingPlasma 7d ago Helpful

Ah yes, the catholic approach.

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u/old_tombombadil 7d ago

I always say that I have to go to a meeting.

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u/heavybabyridesagain 7d ago

"Put Professor Brown on the Underground"

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u/Wh1skyJack 7d ago

Thing is I always have a ton of “paper work” to do after meetings, so I’ll be awhile

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u/Ninf666 7d ago

This is the correct answer.

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u/Pcyrat 7d ago Silver

I posted it on Facebook or LinkedIn and she gets the notification

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u/thePretzelCase 7d ago

LinkedIn because that's on company time. Brillant.

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u/Mr_SlimShady 7d ago Wholesome

“I’ve got shit to do”. If they ask you to specify, then double down on the same phrase.

Can’t be any more straightforward than that.

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u/yxing 7d ago

I feel like you can, indeed, be more straightforward than that.

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u/emojeesus 7d ago

"I must go, my toilet needs me."

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u/Backyardt0rnados 7d ago edited 7d ago Wholesome

Usually just 'gotta go brb' or something. I have Crohn's and he has IBS so we are a super poopy pair. We do sometimes share the gory details after.

Edit: thanks for all of the international versions!

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u/lilhornsby008 7d ago

Super poopy pair.

I had to say it, rolls off the tongue.

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u/mattg4704 7d ago

It's like it could almost be 1 word

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u/lilhornsby008 7d ago

I must also now re read the original comment and I dare say username checks out

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u/TripplerX 7d ago

In German it is.

Superhörbarebombeporzellanfällt

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u/Magisidae 7d ago

Super audible bomb porcelain drop(ping?)

Sounds like a shitshow

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u/jst_anothr_usrname 7d ago

In Afrikaans: Vreeslike poeferige paar

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u/PettyAddict 7d ago

Doesn't really roll off the tongue as well in finnish.

"Erittäin paskantava pari"

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u/[deleted] 7d ago edited 1d ago

[deleted]

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u/AMAFSH 7d ago

Hey, the diseases may cancel each other out and their child could end up having the smoothest of bowel movements. An actual clockwork colon.

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u/ReadontheCrapper 7d ago

“A Clockwork Colon”

Starring Malcolm McDoodie

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u/DevotedAnalSniffer 7d ago

I have crohns and my farts smell like fucking death. I don't know if I could ever share a bed with someone long term

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u/Backyardt0rnados 7d ago

Aw, there's someone out there whose sense of smell hasn't returned from COVID.

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u/Dandelion0622 7d ago

If it helps, my fiance has farts of death. We sleep in a tent bed. I love him enough that we just laugh them off and rate them on a scale from one to deadly. There's someone out there who won't mind 💖

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u/OfficeChairHero 7d ago

A tent bed? Like, covered? Do you have a Dutch oven fetish?

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u/ccgoblet 7d ago

My farts smell like a rotting corpse that has been in a full trash can for 6+ months and all I can do is yell “I FARTED AND IT SMELLS AWFUL I’M SO SORRY.” Been dating my BF for 3+ years and he has learned to love me in spite of my noxious gas.

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u/stonkyturbo 7d ago

a super poopy pair is waay better than a super poopy pear

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u/harry476 7d ago

Hopefully you have two bathrooms, right?

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u/mattg4704 7d ago

Super poopy pair super poopy pair! Love the illiteration

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u/dessss05 7d ago

“I need to go pass some legislation”

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u/nater255 7d ago

I use "I'm going to phone the President", but I'm going to steal this one.

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u/TipuSS 7d ago

Need to pee before i go?

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u/mineTurtle420 7d ago

"Digestion accomplished. Target aquired and ready to unload. Waiting for confirmation.. let's go, let's go, let's go!"

When you come back just say "Tango down."

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u/EzPzLemon_Greezy 7d ago Silver Helpful

Time for my shift at the chocolate factory

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u/LeDestrier 7d ago Silver Gold Helpful

Grab the poop knife. Make eye contact. No words needed.

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u/VanHalen88 7d ago

Can’t believe I had to scroll this far for the poop knife reference.

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u/fallenyeti59 7d ago

This guy Reddits

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u/Knotix 7d ago

I'm going to go blow up the bathroom.

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u/DukeBabylon 7d ago

Gotta paint a bowl.

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u/Random_Nugget1 7d ago

My friend is a priest so he says “I’m about to drop a holy shit”

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u/bostonchef72296 7d ago

Yo my parents have a bathroom with 4 prints of the Lord’s Prayer in it. A holy shit is accurate in their house. They’re not even that religious.

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u/sapphicSchizo 7d ago

We have one right across for the toilet "I can do anything through God who strengthens me"

...also, "please don't do meth in the bathroom"

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u/PrizedWorker Self-proclaimed idiot 7d ago

I love your friend and I haven't even met him!

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u/The_Inward 7d ago edited 7d ago

"I'll be back real quick," or "I'll be back in a minute," is code for, "I'm gonna pee."

"I'll be back in a little while," or "I'll be back in a few minutes," or "I'll be back. It's gonna take me a while," is code for, "I'm gonna poop."

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u/Orynae 7d ago

Same! It's not like anyone needs to know what I'm doing, but sometimes a time indication is helpful, and eventually it just organically becomes its own code.

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u/Bluedragon_00 7d ago

Babe. About to drop 5 pounds in 5 minutes.

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u/ammasdollhouse 7d ago

Going to see a man about a dog 🐶

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u/Theperfectool 7d ago

Gonna see a man about a horse

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u/heavybabyridesagain 7d ago

Dropping the kids off at the pool

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u/whichwitchwhohoots 7d ago

solid snake imitation "I'm going to shit yourself"

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u/AngryRaccoon01 7d ago Helpful

Most of the time I just go without feeling the need to tell anyone but if we’re in a situation where my absence would be an issue, I’d just say, “I’m going to the bathroom.” No need to specify.

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u/ShadowlessKat 7d ago

Same! Unless I really have to pee, no one needs to know what I'm doing in the bathroom, just that I have to go. Husband included haha. That said, we do walk in on each other if we need the bathroom. Last year we lived in a one bathroom apartment, so we had to be comfy with each other in the bathroom. Now we have a 2 bathroom place, but are still comfortable going in if need be. However we usually try to let the other poop in peace.

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u/Dyron45 7d ago

For real tho, what's with all these weird other answers where they NEED to specify what they're doing? Just go take a dump man.

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u/Orynae 7d ago

If time/absence/bathroom access is an issue at that moment, I say "going to the bathroom, might be awhile". It does indirectly specify what I'm doing (because we don't say that otherwise), but it's for a specific reason.

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u/Helpful-nothelpful 7d ago

I'm gonna blow this up!

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u/msing539 7d ago

Going to drop the kids off at the pool.

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u/FulingAround 7d ago

Time to kick out the tenants

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u/twoPillls 7d ago

My dad used to always say that he was taking the Browns to the Super bowl

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u/Putrid_Employment281 7d ago

Say, "Are you up for a ride on The Cleveland Steamer?"

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u/PlayLikeAHeroine 7d ago

Me: 'I have to shit'

Him: "yea?"

Me: raises up one leg and farts 'nahh'

Him: "I'd still recommend it"

Source: I'm now shitting, that happened 4 minutes ago.

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u/PrizedWorker Self-proclaimed idiot 7d ago

I like how he's like "yea?"

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u/thors_pc_case 7d ago

That must be some new love language xD

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u/CrashGoddess 7d ago

We say "I am going to sit down" Not the most creative, but communicates the point privately

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u/witcheselementality 7d ago

I think because I was a shy little girl who couldn't possibly let anyone know that I poop or fart, I have always said "I gotta take a piss" and then go. If I'm on the phone with anyone, hanging out with anyone, I'll just say "I gotta pee" no matter what I'm doing in there. And it's just become a weird habit

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u/neverpokeastarfish 7d ago

I also only claim to pee. But my SO knows when I’m gone a long time and then questions whether it was really a pee. I will confirm that it was in fact definitely only a pee.

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u/permacloud 7d ago

I tend to use the language the person I'm talking to uses. If they tend to say "poo" I would use the word poo.

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u/RibsMcDeath 7d ago

Dropping a deuce

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u/DiamondDickBeaters 7d ago

Out of my way, Im comming in hot!!!!

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u/spottedaustralian 7d ago

My husband always says, “I have a brown snake playing peekaboo with my butthole.”

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u/smerica21 7d ago

I hate this so much

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u/Blkmonte01 7d ago

Gotta drop the Browns off at the Superbowl

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u/Orchid_Cold6969 7d ago

I typically just say “I’m going for a shit” to everyone unless it’s a professional setting in which case I’ll be like “Just going to the toilet, be back in 10” or if you know it’s gonna be a long one just say you’re going for a cigarette even though you don’t smoke 😂😂

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u/medic8311 7d ago Wholesome

I am going to the light reading room.

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u/armstrong698 7d ago

Leave the door open