r/KidsAreFuckingStupid Sep 29 '22 Helpful 2 Wholesome 1 All-Seeing Upvote 1

Why do words or context matter...? 🤔

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72.9k Upvotes

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u/SenatorSativa Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

Anybody remember that scene in Spy Kids when one of the characters jumps onto a quickly moving merry go round at a playground? https://youtu.be/jQKx2XTcd_I

I attempted this move on a vacation when I was 6 or 7 and really screwed up my face. I looked like I had been hit with a baseball bat.

So, we are at the airport for our return trip home, and the woman at the ticket counter notices me and asks me what I did to mess my face up.

I have no idea why I did this...but I looked up at my mother and said "Mommy? What am I supposed to tell people again?"

The ticket woman was instantly concerned about me and the situation but luckily, it was a family vacation and there were 5+ relatives who all watched me jump face first into that moving merry go round. They backed my mom up that she did not cause the damage to my face and is in fact, a great mother. Everyone had a laugh and we went home.

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u/Catezero Sep 29 '22 Wholesome

This has me cackling out loud. Lordy the innocence of stupid children.

Memory unlocked for me - in the late 90s there was a rash of vehicle thefts in my little corner of the world and for some reason Plymouth Voyagers, the exact car my dad drove was a huge target for car thieves. So dad takes us out to the BIG CITY one day, parks the PV at the train station, 8 hours later we come back and the van is gone. Had to call grampa in the middle of the night to drive us the hour back to our town. They found the van a few hours later with a screwdriver in the ignition several kilometers away, van is a write off.

A week or so later dad has to sit down with the government run insurance company to discuss the car and he had to take me along and this woman just does not believe the car was stolen bc like I said, for some stupid reason voyagers were all the rage in the car theft racket. My stupid ass pipes up "YA MY DAD WAS SOOOOO MAD HE WAS LIKE PURPLE. HES SCARY WHEN HES PURPLE. HE WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAD BECAUSE OUR CAR WAS GONE AND HE HAD TO CALL GRAMPA TO DRIVE US HOME" basically making it sound like my dad was some sort of abusive rage case which is like the COMPLETE opposite of my very mild, loving, genial, gentle giant of a father. I mean, he was furious when the van was gone but I was painting a picture of a nigh famicidal whackjob here.

Anyway, she takes one look at my adhd rambling ass, determines my dad most definitely did not arrange to have the family van stolen for insurance fraud and stamps the forms. And to this day my dad is like "of all the times you went on some sort of incoherent rant that made me sound like a tyrant, that was certainly the most well timed and appreciated"

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u/LilDiary Sep 29 '22

I love your dad. Tell him the internet likes him :)

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u/Catezero Sep 29 '22

Aww I would but he would sternly look at me and say "don't post about me on the interwebs" because he doesn't understand how it works and thinks youll all find his house and stare at him if i acknowledge he exists online. But I know u said it and it makes me feel good to know the internet likes my dad. He's a pretty good dad, I'm very glad to have him lol

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u/thrower18333 Sep 29 '22

Yo! Who else is going to the "Stare at Catezero's dad" party?? We got grown men to oggle, folks, let's step it out.

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u/Catezero Sep 29 '22

Oh my god he is so boring all u will see is an overweight 6'6" German man watching Ice Road Truckers while lazily picking away at a Caesar salad with the occasional "summer was real hot this year" idk why he thinks anyone on the internet cares so much lmfao

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u/Frenchlilac97 Sep 29 '22

When I was looking thru his window he was not watching Ice Road Truckers, you liar.

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u/Catezero Sep 29 '22

Ugh was he watching Highway Thru Hell again?

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u/PizDoff Sep 29 '22

Let start a new sub for him!

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u/LilDiary Sep 29 '22

I'm in! Can't wait the read the same daily update! XD

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u/LilDiary Sep 29 '22

Maybe we should have a sub for all reformed dads. They said their dad wasn't always a good dad, but is now. r/reforemeddads?

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u/PesticusVeno Sep 29 '22

You know... if all it took to start up was to jam a screwdriver into the ignition, that kind of explains why Plymouth Voyagers were being targeted for a whole lot of successful to thefts.

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u/MrDude_1 Sep 29 '22

Thats all it took for most cars well into the 1990s. The ignition switch is just a switch... No chips. No radio transmissions or weird stuff. If you turn the switch the car starts.

That means there's generally two ways of doing it. You break the cheap tumbler lock part and turn the switch, or you break the area that it's all mounted into in the column, and then you can just turn the switch from the back side.

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u/Catezero Sep 29 '22

I actually don't drive, much to the chagrin of my dad and his former driving instructor father (the aforementioned grampa) so I honestly don't really know how cars work and I don't particularly care so it might have been some sort of hotkey type of shit. I mean, I was like 8 and it was the 90s so the particulars of the actual theft itself didn't make much sense to me outside of "ignition was FUBAR and the car was found running outside the Fleetwood Safeway at 5am" and are beyond my remembrance. I just remember how MAD dad was that the car was gone, how tired grampa was driving us back to the Valley at zero dark, and how amused the ICBC lady was at my recollection of facts

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u/Toystorations Sep 29 '22

This reminds me of a kid who I saw while I was working retail.

They were very young, 4 or so. They were VERY upset. The person with them was clearly done with their shit as they had clearly done this before, that's the only reason I wasn't alarmed as a grown man, alone, carried a 4 year old girl through the mall as she screamed at the top of her lungs kicking and screaming " I DON'T KNOW YOU, PUT ME DOWN, HELP, I DON'T KNOW YOU, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD, SOMEONE HELP"

Clearly they educated this child on what to say if they were being abducted and that backfired hard when they wouldn't let the kid stay in the toy store at the mall, because the look on that man's face made me know he would have wanted nothing more than to put that kid on the ground and walk away.

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u/aurordream Sep 29 '22

My friends mum used to foster, and she had some very awkward moments when the foster kids would throw a tantrum out in public. She got a lot of "YOU'RE NOT MY MUM" and "I DONT WANT TO GO WITH YOU!"

And of course, everything the kids said was technically true. She wasn't their mum, and most of the kids were upset at being taken from their families and didn't want to go back to her house. But at that point she actually was their legal guardian whether the kids liked it or not.

She had a few difficult explanations at times, especially until the kids settled in with her. She did have one though who even when he was totally settled and happy with her looking after him still thought it was hilarious to run over and tell random people "she's not my mum"

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u/Orcand Sep 29 '22

See I want to have kids but I can't justify bringing someone into this shitshow so I plan to foster but I'm terrified of being alone in town, a 6'3" white dude with male pattern baldness and a beer gut trying to handle a tantrum from say a small girl of color and having to deal with the public reaction.

That second scenario is hilarious though. I could see myself telling my son, who came to our home at like 12 years old or so, "We've got something serious to tell you.... you're adopted"

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u/vereliberi Sep 29 '22

Being adopted means the best jokes. My response to people when they teased me was always, "Well, my parents chose me. Yours didn't really have a choice, did they?"

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u/GreenGlassDrgn Sep 29 '22

I used to live next to a playground and you'd be surprised by the number of kids who pull this. Either that or my small town had an unsettling number of unreported kidnappings lol. The first couple times I'd admit it was rather disturbing to try to enjoy a sunny day in the yard while a kid yells in that particular fashion but after a year or two I quit paying attention when kids scream that kind of thing.

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u/LaComtesseGonflable Sep 29 '22

I used to live behind a school that was stricken by something like the Cawnpore massacre every playtime.

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u/YourMortalEnema Sep 29 '22

Don’t leave us hanging - what happened next?

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u/Toystorations Sep 29 '22

I don't know, I was standing by the exit. He walked out with her.

I assume either they went home to have tantrum at home, or she's dead.

One of the two, probably.

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u/Dr_ChimRichalds Sep 29 '22

Two things can be true.

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u/CaffeineSippingMan Sep 29 '22

Ya all got lucky. My friend's kid got hit in the eye at a baseball game with a baseball while at bat. (So lots of witnesses ) and the teacher called DHS (department of human services ). DHS wouldn't let him go. (Basically they say you look guilty if you don't do what they say).

I know about this because I shared my story with him.

My story: my kid had a rash that looked like a red bruise on his chest per ER doctor. DHS was called, I called a lawyer (for the first time in my life, per a relative's advice). 3 days after we went to our doctor and he confirmed it was a rash. 8 months later of the DHS in home visits (had to take work off early) and lawyer sucking all my spare money. My son learned to make stuff up to get me in trouble (I said no PC time, he would make something up at school and tell on me). I was supposed to go to court for something he made up, I couldn't afford to take the time off, much less pay the lawyer, I just didn't go, I also didn't tell my lawyer. It was "on my record", I also told, DHS I was done with their in home visits. My kid stopped making things up. As for being "on my record" I was able to be a cub scout leader (background check required ) I did disclose what I went through.

It was a relief, but if my kid was really being abused it's kind of scary how easy it was to just stop it all. My only hope is the lawyers advice was true "if DHS believes you abuse your kid they won't stop" i think they stoped because they knew I wasn't abusive. I feel like I was scammed.

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u/idcidcidc666420 Sep 29 '22

I know that some good is done by CPS, It's obviously a hard social problem to deal w and obviously people's lives are helped sometimes by them.

a bunch of people i've known irl that had to deal w CPS services were good parents and shouldn't have had any problem.I've seen them make people jump through so many arbitrary hoops, even if raising their kid alone and working full time, and then get in trouble If they make a mistake or choose to disobey.

these people have control of your children, compliance is expected. it's also like w jail/probation. once you're in the system it can be hard and take a long time to get out from under the eye of sauron

i know normal good people who were doing their best and were great parents who got harassed by CPS for a long time for no good reason. they definitely fuck a significant chunk of people over who don't deserve it. whether because the worker believes to themselves the parent is abusive or because the bureaucracy is just designed to oppress people..

obviously CPS does accomplish good things and helps kids and families too. but from what I've seen, they are more likely to harass normal people who made a few mistakes and are generally trying to be good parents, and ignore actual fucked up dysfunctional families and people living criminal lifestyles

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u/dontworryitsme4real Sep 29 '22

It's absolutely scary that people can make a judgement call with 30 seconds of info to completely mess up the love of you and your kids.

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u/mayblossom_ Sep 29 '22

Hey, at least the ticket lady was concerned!

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u/BabushkaCrab Sep 29 '22

I got one of my front teeth smashed out of my mouth by one of those things because we had like 10 kids sitting on it and 10 kids spinning us as fast as they could. Got launched but held onto the bar. Let go and before I got out of the way the bar swung around a smacked me in the teeth

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u/djasonwright Sep 29 '22

I like to think that ticket checker was always haunted by this exchange - wondering if she did enough, did she do the right thing, were they all in on it? Only now she's a redditor, and having read this, this heavy weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

(and now I wish I'd made a throwaway just for this one comment)

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

I worked with kids for years, I had a little boy tell me his Dad got him a penis. He meant a piano 😂

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u/Wendy-Windbag Sep 29 '22

I babysat a three year old that told me her throat hurt, and rubbing her neck, told me how her dad would “feel his balls in my throat.” When I mentioned her complaint of the sore throat to her parents later, they both looked panicked and asked if she had talked about “the balls.” When I affirmed, they laughed because they had been afraid of the three year old’s description of dad palpating the lymph nodes in her neck to see if they were swollen the night before when she had started complaining. Mom was a pediatric nurse and Dad was finishing PA school, so we all had a laugh.

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u/LaComtesseGonflable Sep 29 '22

Poor lass. Those were her balls!

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u/BabyBadger_ Sep 29 '22

One time, my mom was buckling my brother into his carseat in the garage. The light was out and she couldn’t see so she accidentally pinched him with the buckle right on his pants, but no tears were shed and he was totally fine.

…Until later, when he told someone, “Mommy pinched my weenie in the dark.”

I didn’t even understand why my mom was horrified until years later lol

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u/Thyanlia Sep 29 '22

My 3yo had an allergic reaction and needed to go to the hospital, fast. I'd had him in the tub immediately prior, so I grabbed the first set of PJs I saw and unfortunately they were a bit snug. As I crammed him into the footy PJs in a hurry and attempted to zip them up, I caught his penis just a little. Tears were shed but he was quickly comforted and then we had to go, fast.

Got to the hospital, triaged immediately and whisked into the back where a nurse brought him a gown to change into. She told him that she really liked his dinosaur PJs and he kindly replied, "Thanks! Mommy zipped my penis in them, but I'm okay now."

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u/etherealparadox Sep 29 '22

That's adorable, kids are so innocent. Glad things worked out, lol.

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u/Thyanlia Sep 29 '22

My dad was big into weightlifting and had a whole setup in our house. I spent many happy evenings watching the hockey game in his weight room and, especially, admiring his muscular arms. One time my best friend came for a sleepover and we'd hung out together in the weight room while my dad did his workout.

This was all fine, except I used to feel my dad's arms before/after a workout (to feel how hard he'd worked his muscles), so I invited my friend to do the same. When flexed, his bicep looked like someone had shoved a softball under the skin, so I gleefully would ask to feel the "ball" of his muscle.

The following Monday, my dad walked me to school and my friend ran up to him screaming, "Mr Thyanlia! Can you show me your balls again? I wanna touch your balls!" My dad was, understandably, mortified as he stood in the middle of the playground with his 7yo daughter and her friend chanting, "Balls! Balls!"

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u/liisathorir Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

Technically both are true.

For those who may not understand Sperm will determine the gender sex of a child.

Edit: sorry everyone, this is on me. I’m not opposed to the terminology, I’m just not super exposed to it and I forgot. I appreciate the user who corrected me kindly. Everyone take care!

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u/SaltRevolutionary917 Sep 29 '22

will determine the gender sex of a child.

Sorry you’re getting downvoted, lol. I’m gonna assume you weren’t intentionally making a political statement here.

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u/liisathorir Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

No thank you for the correction! I am not opposed to the terminology, I’m just not exposed to it a lot and I have the worst memory ever so I need a few more reminders. Thank you for being so kind and letting me know I was being an insensitive jerkface with out calling me bad names!

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u/MrDude_1 Sep 29 '22

You were not being insensitive jerkface. People are taking words out of their direct contacts because you're being used in a different context then they are accustomed to.

This is the same thing as somebody calling a scientific theory just a theory. Because they don't understand the difference between the terms.

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u/TheNon-Anon Sep 29 '22

When I was a kid, I loved eating crab legs.

So, one day when my mom decided on crab legs for dinner, I went around the store shouting out to everyone, “my mom has crabs!!!”

She still won’t let it go haha.

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u/indelible_plethora Sep 29 '22

My God! Kids are just TRYIN to get parents sent away!

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u/WWalker17 Sep 29 '22

When my sister was about 8yo she fell off a stool and landed weird on her resulting in a spiral fracture in her forearm (more commonly seen with abuse victims rather than clumsy children)

As my mom is sitting with her in the ER with a fractured arm, my sister started telling everyone that my mom beats me.

What my mom actually did was smack me upside the head at the dinner table after I (a 10 year old boy at the time) said that my mustache was almost as good as hers.

The MPs separated her and my mom and took them both into different rooms for questioning until my dad was able to come give them the truth.

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u/TheNon-Anon Sep 29 '22

Truly wasn’t my intention haha

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u/Condor-Avenue Sep 29 '22

I did a similar thing with hermit crabs. we were shopping and my mom got me a couple of hermit crabs at one of the shops and I was so excited that I kept saying "I got crabs!"

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u/etherealparadox Sep 29 '22

Aw! My whole dorm has crabs :)

Hermit crabs, that is.

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u/MrPizzaPHD Sep 29 '22

When I was in first grade my teachers asked what my mom did and I said she was a mistress… she’s a seamstress.

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u/SpasmociallySunny Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

My grandson told all and sundry his uncle went to the ‘dick show’. We had to quickly work on teaching him to properly pronounce the word, ‘disco’.

Edit: to clear up the question, his uncle is a school teacher and was helping at the school disco. You can see why we really wanted to nip this in the bud.

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u/Grashopha Sep 29 '22

Hilarious! Reminds me of the time we were driving past Dick’s Sporting Goods and my very young son shouted “Dad look! It’s the dick store!”.

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u/ElephantShoes256 Sep 29 '22

The first time we went there with my then 2 year old, he would not stop telling everyone how much he loves Dick's.

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u/Dylan24moore Sep 29 '22

😂😂😂

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u/Great_Chairman_Mao Sep 29 '22

Some of us have never stopped.

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u/Silver_kitty Sep 29 '22

When I was little, probably 8 or so, we were talking about disabilities in school and I told my teacher that my dad had autism. The teacher apparently called my parents to ask if they would like her to recommend me for free autism screening through the school district given the family history. My dad explained that - no, he has albinism, not autism.

Jokes on him though because 20 years later, he did get diagnosed with autism, so I was right all along.

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u/the-truffula-tree Sep 29 '22

So did you get your autism screening?

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u/Silver_kitty Sep 29 '22

I did actually! I have some sensory processing weirdness, but not autism.

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u/AccioSexLife Sep 29 '22

Dick show?! That's disgusting!

Where?

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u/SpasmociallySunny Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

Sorry, it was for school kids only lol

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u/Sangxero Sep 29 '22

What a weird nickname for Penis Inspection Day.

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u/DataVader Sep 29 '22

God, I miss the classic reddit stories like "penis inspection day"

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u/derjon5 Sep 29 '22

Ah, so at the local church then?

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u/WhiteyFiskk Sep 29 '22

I searched for it on youtube and there were heaps of episodes called the Dick show but it's just some small faced libertarian talking to a hot guy in a v-neck. Will watch and let you know if any cock magic breaks out

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u/Due-Chemist3105 Sep 29 '22

Sounds like r/BoneAppleTea material there.

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u/Cautious_Clock9154 Sep 29 '22

Panick a the dick show

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u/ElephantShoes256 Sep 29 '22

We have a sports store here called "Dick's Sporting Goods" and after we went there to get my then 2 yr old a soccer ball he would not stop talking about how he loved Dick's and various comments about balls.

We finally got him to add the "Sporting Goods" when he said it, and steered the conversation toward the kayaks he saw there, but it was a rough couple days. And of course everyone reacted big so he would not let it go!

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u/vulcanicashes Sep 29 '22

In student culture in the Netherlands, we actually call discos 'dixo' lol

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u/hollth1 Sep 29 '22

So it was a kids dick show he went to

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u/ScrubCuckoo Sep 29 '22

I used to work with kids in an after school program. One time a kid tells me something like his uncle got shot while they were getting ice cream. I don't remember why it got to this point, but I asked if his mom knew about it. He said no. When she came to pick him up, I pulled her aside to tell her about it all, in case his uncle was taking him into dangerous situations. It turned out he was making up stores loosely based on Spider-Man and pretending they happened to him.

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u/Catezero Sep 29 '22

I just choked on my drink I love this kid

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/LSD710 Sep 29 '22

Why do people look at divorce as a negative thing. Freeing yourself from a bad marriage is always a good thing

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u/FuHiwou Sep 29 '22

Maybe that librarian was the cause of the bad marriage so that's why she was bitter it ended

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u/TheFreakingPrincess Sep 29 '22

Hey, to be fair, you simply provided a fact. She drew her own conclusion lol

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u/A_spiny_meercat Sep 29 '22

I had a coworker like that, realized a bit too late that all his farfetched stories that happened to him were recently in the news. Never met a guy who supposedly had more fights, even got shot like ten times which is wierd because it's Australia so anyone who gets shot even once is national news

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u/shrirnpheavennow Sep 29 '22

When I was a kid my mom would take me to do the free library activities all the time. One time the activity was a rhyming thing and they would show you a picture of something and you had to think of a common rhyming phrase. Like a picture of a cat would be fat cat. Then a picture of a screw came up and stumped everyone until my four year old self said “screw you mommy! Get it? Screw you!” It’s one of her favorite stories to rell

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/etherealparadox Sep 29 '22

Hey, at least you know they cared!

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u/drainbead78 Sep 29 '22

When I was in kindergarten, we were going to watch a filmstrip on one of those reel to reel projectors (I'm old), but the teacher couldn't get it to work. A kid next to me said "Looks like it's screwed up." I had never heard that phrase before, but I knew screws were used to fix things, so I figured it was a technical term. "Hey, Mrs. Smith, Johnny said he thinks it's screwed up." And when she didn't respond I figured she didn't hear me, so I repeated it. Took me years to figure out why she seemed so annoyed and didn't immediately figure out what the problem was and fix it.

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u/Smingowashisnameo Sep 29 '22

Damn you just made me realize that used to be a rude phrase.

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u/drainbead78 Sep 29 '22

Especially when a 5-year-old is dropping it on you.

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u/PukeUpMyRing Sep 29 '22

There’s a relatively well known case in the UK in which an incident was reported to a school safeguarding programme.

A 10 year child was asked to make up a character and was given some questions to help his thought process. The child said his character lived in a terrorist house. He meant a terraced house. The child and his family were interviewed by social workers and the police. This error was then widely reported and used to show how much the safeguarding programme overreacts to small things. What was rarely reported was that the child also said his uncle hit him.

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u/Chev--Chelios Sep 29 '22

I told my dad my friend from schools dad was a Burglar, he was a Builder.

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u/Normal_Juggernaut Sep 29 '22

Based on some builders I knew from when I worked in a pub I think he might have not been too far off of the truth.

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u/Titan_Uranus__ Sep 29 '22

I was like 8 and called my mom’s favorite radio station to request a song and a happy birthday message for her for her “twentieth birthday” because her joke was that she kept turning twenty or something like that. The phone lady asked how old I was, paused, and when her birthday message was played it just said “happy birthday from your daughter”. I knew it was awkward then, but took me a few years until I understood that the woman was probably horrified that my mother was, by my account, 12 when she gave birth to me.

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u/claiter Sep 29 '22

My mom’s friend thought I was very sweet to think she was 35. To be fair, that’s how old she told me she was the one time I asked.

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u/LuxNocte Sep 29 '22

I suspect that the lady guessed something close to the truth.

'8 year olds who don't know how old their mother is' are way more common than 12 year old mothers.

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u/beigs Sep 29 '22

My 6 year old painfully reminds me how old I am every single time we mention age in the house.

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u/technos Sep 29 '22

My mother was young when she had me. She was 19.

When I was a small child, I'd ask how old she was. Her response was always "I'm really old! At least twice as old as you!"

My kindergarten teacher was confused when I told her that my Mom was ten, especially since they'd met, and an uncomfortable conversation was had where my school established that yes, she was my actual biological mother.

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u/thefuckouttaherelol4 Sep 29 '22

My mom is 13 so yikes.

edit: Going to leave the above because I'm not sure how I thought that made sense, but I'm glad I caught it.

What I meant to say was: My mom was 13 when she had her first kid, so yikes.

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

For some reason, I read the first sentence and thought it meant what your 2nd sentence said. Then I read your edit, was confused, and re-read the first sentence.

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u/rose-ramos Sep 29 '22

This exact thing happened to me at school, except the school was so concerned, they called my mom in for a conference! Made worse by the fact that she has always looked younger than she is.

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u/entplant Sep 29 '22

When I was 9 I came home and told my mum and grandma about the new prostitute principle at my school. The substitute principle was fortunately not a gigolo.

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u/Kimantha_Allerdings Sep 29 '22

There was a video doing the rounds a week or two ago with a parent asking their little girl whether she’d told her teacher that they grow lots of weed at home. She happily said she had. When asked to explain what she meant, she led them outside and showed them the lawn.

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u/UmChill Sep 29 '22

omg i love that video. that one is a few years old, but is one of those videos i watch every time i see it.

another good one i saw on instagram reels the other day was a teacher recording her lesson with kindergarten students and rhyming. the teacher said words like “fit, hit, mit…” and asked “what else?” a little girl yelled “SHIT!” and the teacher said “….uhhh shit… okay, yea, yes, that does rhyme… um we won’t be writing that one on the board, but you are right, that is a rhyme.” i wish i saved it because it was so innocently hilarious.

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u/New-Volume4997 Sep 29 '22

My cousin nearly got cps called on my aunt because my aunt would leave her in the car with her older sister for a few minutes while she went in to the drugstore to get her prescriptions. My cousin wanted to go in and get snacks. Afterwards she would tell any adult who would listen that her mom abandons her to “buy drugs” and won’t feed her even though she’s soooo hungry.

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u/MassGaydiation Sep 29 '22

I mean, all of the sentence is technically true.

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u/Ronov76 Sep 29 '22

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u/hugemartin87 Sep 29 '22

My niece publicly told a visiting police officer in her class that her mom was addicted to cocaine (my sister - her mom - was standing in the back of the room as a classroom volunteer). She meant Caffeine!

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u/MrDude_1 Sep 29 '22

I like to joke that im in "pharmaceutical distribution" (with finger quotes) and that no im not a "licensed pharmacist" (with more finger quotes)

All of this is technically true. Because I write software for it. But I like to imply that I'm some kind of really-bad-at-hiding-it drug dealer.

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u/ghanjaholik Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

when my niece was about six years old she told us she was going to the community center, and that she's selling rocks.. i lol'd cuz it sounded funny coming from a little girl

I went to see what she meant, and she had a bunch of rocks laid out on a bench with prices written in marker

sidenote: my older cousin saw her, and gave her $5 for the rocks.. slanging

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u/the-fruit-bowl Sep 29 '22

good deal for crack

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u/LilDiary Sep 29 '22

Thanks for the context. Didn't understand why "rocks" in particular were weird

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u/Thorin_Scarles Sep 29 '22

my dad had a brief stay in a psychiatric ward and got the staff concerned when he kept telling them about the drugs he takes. apparently they automatically assume drugs mean illicit drugs and not medication

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u/MrDude_1 Sep 29 '22

I had this happen to me when I was in my early twenties and I went into one of those doc in a box places....

I had a really bad cold or flu or whatever. So they ask you what you've taken, And I told them I took ephedrine that morning for it. Not a big deal. So the doctor sits me down afterward and starts talking to me about illicit drugs being dangerous and I end up stopping here and asking her what the hell she's talking about. And she asks me where I got the ephedra from if it was from like a friend's house or something like that and how drugs like that are dangerous and I stop her again and told her I bought it at all either Walmart or CVS I forget... And she goes into this whole big thing about how it's dangerous and I have to stop her and correct her.

No. Ephedrine also known as primatene or bronkaid is also known as an asthma drug. At least that's how it's sold now because people are stupid and will overdose themselves. That's why they have pseudoephedrine. A much less effective, not nearly as good drug but has weaker side effects because it is not as effective. Lol

So then at the end of all this I ask her if it's okay if I take Sudafed. And she says of course that's okay. So I said you know that pseudoephedrine right? And she goes...yeah. And you don't see the link between sudoephedrine and ephedrine?

Ugh. I understood why she worked at a doc in the box instead of another practice.

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u/blay12 Sep 29 '22

Wtf imagine being a doctor and not knowing that ephedrine is still sold OTC legally in most states, apparently including yours.

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u/sauceEsauceE Sep 29 '22

I called the police on my dad when I was 4 years old and he wanted me to dress nice for church. I said ‘my dads being mean to me’ and hung up and hid behind a couch…

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u/Daxx22 Sep 29 '22

I get the kid logic but that's kinda fucked. Was there any followup? I could see the 911 operator freaking out if a kid did that and just hung up :

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u/sauceEsauceE Sep 29 '22

They sent a cop to my house and I was hiding and embarrassed because I knew I’d be in trouble

I’m curious what would happen now but the cops kinda laughed it off when my dad explained what happened. We lived in your classic suburban place and my dads your standard wouldn’t hurt a fly type dude

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u/empire161 Sep 29 '22

I started helping my oldest with reading in bed at night.

Whenever he gets something wrong or skips a word, I give him a little tap or nudge as a heads up that he should try again or slow down. But we get a little silly with it and whatnot, so I'll do stuff like raise my hand like I'm about to tap him if I know there's a hard word coming up, which makes him laugh his ass off. Or if he gets it extremely wrong, I'll pretend like I'm going to shake him or throw him out of bed which makes him laugh harder.

After a few weeks of this, he mentioned one night that he was talking to his Kindergarten teacher about his reading skills, and he told her I help him at night, but I hit him every time he gets a word wrong. We never got any calls from the school or anyone, so I assume he did a good job convincing her it's all in good fun.

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u/MermeladaSevillana Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

When I was a little kid I used to hear about my relatives Ed and Earl. Ed and Earl went to this great restaurant, Ed and Earl spent Christmas at Grandma’s this year. I thought to myself, maybe it’s okay if I’m gay, clearly my redneck family is cool with Ed and Earl, right?

Turns out Ed and Earl was really a woman named Edna Earl (again, redneck) and the family really is extremely homophobic. Kidsarefuckingstupid indeed, lol.

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u/FuckingCelery Sep 29 '22

Oh man, I‘m sorry. At least Ed and Earl were cool with you and supported you as a kid, despite not existing.

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u/MymlanOhlin Sep 29 '22

This is such a cute and understandable miscommunication, although very sad bottom line.

I hope you have found people around you now that don't give a shit who you date as long as they're nice.

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u/whitecollarzomb13 Sep 29 '22

My wife had some medical issues which she was prescribed some pretty strong pain killers. One of the side effects was drowsy/sleepiness. One night the issue/pain escalated and she fainted while on the toilet and hit her head on the tiles. Ambulance came and she went to hospital.

I explain the situation to my daughter the next morning, who then goes into daycare and proceeds to tell her extremely religious and tightly strung teacher “mummy took too many sleeping pills and fell off the toilet”.

That was a fun one to clear up.

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u/Upvotespoodles Sep 29 '22

In first or second grade, we had an assignment to copy text about an apple with legs who ran. I instead wrote an essay about how my mother had amnesia and my grandmother was drinking and gambling and I wanted my mother back.

Grandma had half a glass of wine and played solitaire while she was watching me, since mom was having a procedure under anesthesia.

Kids are naturally wired to make it sound like their family is falling apart.

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u/yhdp Sep 29 '22

"I'm going beddy-bye, Whitney, baby, good night, Alaina

Go in the room and shut the bedroom door

And wake up in an ambulance

They said they found me on the bathroom floor, damn"

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u/LMac8806 Sep 29 '22

I travel for work occasionally and had a trip to Indiana. Our (at the time) 3 year old was under the impression I was going to stay the night in a hotel with a lady named Andy Anna. We had to give the daycare a preemptive explanation because we figured she’d be sharing.

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u/Odys Sep 29 '22

I live in the Netherlands. As a kid I heard the Lords prayer in church. The words "deliver us from evil. Amen" I interpreted as "save us from angry Amen" (In Dutch this works better). When we went outside again, I always grabbed my fathers hand as I was scared that this angry Amen would hurt us and I wondered why he was angry at us.

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u/LaComtesseGonflable Sep 29 '22

I'm learning Dutch (and happen to be Catholic). Would you mind to type out the angry Amen in Dutch? ;)

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u/Odys Sep 29 '22

Sure:

"Onze Vader in de hemel, Uw naam worde geheiligd, Uw koninkrijk kome, Uw wil geschiede zoals in de hemel ook op aarde. Geef ons heden ons dagelijks brood en vergeef ons onze schulden zoals ook wij onze schuldenaars vergeven. En leid ons niet in verzoeking, maar verlos ons van het kwade. Want van U is het koninkrijk en de kracht en de heerlijkheid in eeuwigheid. Amen."

I notice there's an extra line that I don't remember that way. Maybe the priest was in a hurry and rather skipped that?

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u/IG-64 Sep 29 '22

As a kid I thought my parents were leaving the house to “run Aarons”

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u/ziqada Sep 29 '22

Everytime I read the name Aaron I have to giggle because I remember the Key & Peele bit where he's a substitute teacher

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u/Sangxero Sep 29 '22

A-a-ron lives forever rent free in my brain.

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u/drjman Sep 29 '22

D-Nice would like a room

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u/Diarygirl Sep 29 '22

I like J'Quellen much better than Jacqueline.

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u/I_am_Velvet_Thunder Sep 29 '22

SON OF A BITCH!!! You done messed yo A A Ron!!!

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22 edited 23d ago

[deleted]

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u/FuckingKilljoy Sep 29 '22

Jay-quellen has always been a personal favourite, mostly because a friend had an emotionally manipulative girlfriend named Jacqueline and it was just a nice petty way to annoy her

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u/The_Particularist Sep 29 '22

You done messed up, A-A-Ron!

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u/2055265 Sep 29 '22

As a kid I remember my father going “Welcome to Miami” and I genuinely thought it was his “Ami”

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u/Reddits_on_ambien Sep 29 '22

When my nephew-son (my brother's child who I became a co-parent to after my brother passed away unexpectedally from covid 2 years ago t r cc GT ). was 6, he kept telling everyone that his "dude cat died in "the fire". For context: The cat's name is Dude-cat, chosen by him and his dad (my brother) back when my/our son was 3.

His cat is not dead. He's chilling at my house, on my bed right now after playing with my bunnies (they get along great, thankfully the buns being waaaay bigger than dudecat makes it all work) while my son a home is fixed up after the fire. His cat knocked over a candle and it started a minor burn on the carpet. It got to be "fire extinguisher" level despite him seeing the cat do it. He didn't let us know because he didn't want his cat to get in trouble. Instead, he did what some cartoon or video said to do with a pet you couldn't rescue during a fire... by putting the animal in the closet so the firemen knew where to look. His mom & I tried to tell him how serious it was and that he or his cat could get seriously hurt if the fire spread. Thankfully it was just a ruin carpet in a room that needed a new paint job.

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u/duralyon Sep 29 '22

Yooooo, I looked through some of your post history and didn't see any pictures of dudecat hanging out with your rabbits! What's up with that?? Lol 😉

My condolences for your brother. It's so great that you've become your nephews co-parent, he must be really lucky to have you!

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u/Golden-Bea Sep 29 '22

When I was a child I thought that Anabolika (german word for anabolic steroids) was an athlete (Anna Bolika), because she apparently was at every sporting event on TV.

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u/FozzieButterworth Sep 29 '22

that is so cute!

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u/Additional-Hope-2587 Sep 29 '22

When I was about 4 or 5, I went to market with my dad. There was a huge crowd and I saw some women in black abaya (something related to Hijab) but my lil dumb brain never imagined that someone else other than my Mom can also wear that. So I rushed to the woman thinking that she's my mother but my father stoped me....I started crying and yelling MOM and everyone in the crowd might assumed that I'M BEING KIDNAPPED.😹.. I can imagine how hard the situation was for my dad

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u/The_Dark_Vampire Sep 29 '22

About 20ish years ago now I suppose my neighbours young daughter told her Dad that her Mum had been in the bath with his best friend while he was at work.

Yes that was true but he was just helping her with decorating the Bathroom and they were both stood in the bath painting a wall.

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u/combination_udon Sep 29 '22

My parents are retired now, but they were both nurses who traded off and worked night shift. So when I was in kindergarten and my teacher asked what they did for a living I said “Nothing. They just sleep all day.” 🤪🤪

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u/HelenaKelleher Sep 29 '22

lol my niece came home and told us they learned "lap dancing" at school one day.

Latin dancing. Latin.

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u/SaliktheCruel Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

When I was 2 I got my first my first dog plushie. When my parents told me it was a Husky I decided it was too complicated and I named it Whisky. So for at least a year I embarrassed my parents and made them look like alcoholics because I kept saying "Where's my whisky ?! " or "I want my whisky !" in public.

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u/jewelsandbones Sep 29 '22

My dad sometimes volunteers in prison to give mentoring experience and help inmates get jobs after leaving. When asked where our dad was by a family friend we met at the park, my little sister said “he’s in prison”

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u/polska247 Sep 29 '22

I did something similar as a kid; my mom does freelance translation and interpretation, and would often have to visit the jail and translate for inmates that didn’t speak English. One woman called the house one day, I answered, she asked for my mom and I said “my mom isn’t home she went to jail” Apparently the gossip at church that Sunday was all around my mom being arrested

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u/PauleAgave95 Sep 29 '22

I have a half sister and in kindergarten I said something like

„Today my half sister comes to us, she only has one eye“

Because in my imagination I thought she is just half of a human, like cut in half you know ?

Still to this day, 20 something years later, my mum mocks me with that.

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u/GummoNation Sep 29 '22

My family was having a potluck when I was little and I went around to the neighbors telling them they could come to our pot party.

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u/flatmoon2002 Sep 29 '22

i once got a call from a psychologist concerning some school stuff. I was like 8 years old and obviously the psychologist wanted to talk to my mom. So i yelled across the house: "MOOOM theres a Psychopath on the phone".

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u/sinfuldelightx Sep 29 '22

Kids are just not born with fucks to give. They get those around level 9

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u/Expert_Rest2443 Sep 29 '22

Level 9 huh? Lol sounds like the beginning of world of Warcraft.

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u/Kostik114 Sep 29 '22

Remember good old level 9. Since level 15 I fell like it's going to be harder and harder. But can't wait to get to the level 70

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u/boobula Sep 29 '22

I told everyone at school my dad was a security guard; he works in information security

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

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u/SleepingBlackberry Sep 29 '22

This reminds me of when my aunt told my her twins about their birth. She had them by IVF without a partner so as they got older they wanted to know why they only had 1 parent when most had 2. They were like 6 or 7 when she told them the whole story, but she told them also about how she lost their triplet. The family felt like that part could have waited because then the twins told everyone and strangers about their dead brother for like 4 months. They would just say randomly "my brother died". When they came to school they told kids and teachers so it worried people the other twin had died so they tried to put them in grieve consoling but then realized oh wait the other one is at school still.

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u/stonesliver2 Sep 29 '22

Growing up my mom loved Coca-Cola and always had it in the house

As a kid, I didn't understand the problem in telling everybody that my mom was addicted to Coke

Whoops

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u/ShornVisage Sep 29 '22

I'm reminded of that one dude who announced his marriage on Twitter by posting "Me and X are no longer dating"

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u/Catezero Sep 29 '22

That is the worst way to announce that we are married, babe

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u/smallpoly Sep 29 '22

"hey bro, probably a bad time to let you know I'm fucking your ex-girlfriend. Peace, yo."

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u/canadatrasher Sep 29 '22

Man, his ex-girlfriend (wife) must have been pissed.

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u/Kensofine Sep 29 '22

My Dad drove my cousins to school when they were five, one day, because they missed the bus. They told the teacher that my Dad likes it "slow and sexy" and "if you wanna see him naked then you gotta say take it off". They unfortunately left out the part about it being a song on the radio by Shabba Ranks they heard in his car, which I had to clear up when the Principal called.

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u/Disneyhorse Sep 29 '22

When I was six my parents took me camping. We were getting ready to make dinner on the camp stove, but the propane canister was empty. My mom told me to let my dad know. I couldn’t find him, so I started yelling, “Dad! We’re out of cocaine! We need more cocaine!” My parents said they were super embarrassed about the other campers looking at us.

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u/SquareThings Sep 29 '22

I once told my teacher my mom took a lot of pills and had to go to the hospital, making her think my mom attempted suicide. My mom was actually in the hospital to get surgery on a tendon in her arm and the pills were a trial for a migraine drug

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u/mementomori-93 Sep 29 '22

Damn, meanwhile I'm showing the whole class how my dad lit up with a bong. Included the coughing too.

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u/minniedriverstits Sep 29 '22

My dad was incredibly lucky I never snitched on his ass for the scandalous shii he would pull in front of me when my mom was at work.

'Course, he's dead now.

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u/Mapletyler Sep 29 '22

I'd pay money to watch a kid try to pantomime using a bong. That sounds funny asf

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u/argnsoccer Sep 29 '22

I had a 6th grader explain to me how to roll a blunt extremely poorly.

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u/motorcycle-manful541 Sep 29 '22

2nd kid is technically correct.

Let's be honest, I would describe it that way as an adult just to see the reaction

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u/sturdyplaza_65 Sep 29 '22

My kid once told his teacher I "give kids drugs". I'm an Anesthesiologist.

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u/Spazmer Sep 29 '22

I was a surrogate for my sister and my husband told people at his work that I was pregnant with my brother in law's baby. Then walked away, no clarifications.

My kids use it too when doing intros at school and teachers get them to play 2 truths and a lie.

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u/Reamofqtips Sep 29 '22

My wife did a surrogate pregnancy. It was fun because I'd tell people she was pregnant, and then people would naturally tell me "congratulations!". And then, I'd very straight face, say, "Oh it's not mine." and not elaborate further and let it fester for a bit.

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u/PesticusVeno Sep 29 '22

Yeah, but that just leaves it being super awkward until you fill them in. It's the, "so we're not keeping it." line that really sets in the horror.

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u/NoBSforGma Sep 29 '22

A teacher advised me (as a parent): "Believe half of everything you hear about school and I will believe half of everything I hear about home." :)

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u/TheFoxandTheSandor Sep 29 '22

I had a player tell the team she had something important to say. She was being deported. She didn’t know where to, but they would let her know. I looked at the other coach, then the befuddled team, and was like… “uh… I think you mean deployed.” “Oh yeah!! That’s the word!”

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u/JapaneseStudentHaru Sep 29 '22

I did something like this as an adult when I was learning Japanese. I kept calling my dad my husband because the words I learned for each were similar. I got a lot of weird looks because my dad is 40 years older than me lol

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u/quietquery Sep 29 '22

My mom had a previous marriage before she met my dad. After she explained this to little me, I very confidently told my Sunday school class that I almost had TWO daddies!! Kids are stupid.

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

Oh Gosh. Kids really say the DARNEST things. One of my tutoring pupils has a dad who's a twin. He cannot tell his dad and his uncle apart so, of course, he told me his mom was dating both. She was not. Of course she was not. 🥲

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u/CamelSpotting Sep 29 '22

It definitely took me a few tries to get parole/payroll correct. And I was not that young.

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u/Enteroids Sep 29 '22

I worked with a grad student whose research project resulted in animals being euthanized for tissue collection. She took her son to a birthday party who then preceded to tell other people there "that his mommy shoots baby calves in the head." The mom's were like "What do you do???"

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u/EChocos Sep 29 '22

The second should have said "my mom is selling a baby".

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u/DavidInnerkid Sep 29 '22

When we were kids we were in our uncle's living room and after a while talking my little sister asked: Why is everyone constipated?

We were like: what!?!

-Yeah, I can hear it in the way you talk.

She meant congested.

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u/DyslexicPuppy Sep 29 '22

It’s cool. I guess when I was like 4, my mom’s boss was babysitting me and she asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said ‘a stranger’ and she was like ‘you mean a park ranger?’ And I said ‘no, a stranger. Like the people who look in windows’. Don’t worry I became an inventory manager for a veterinary practice, not a stranger.

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u/Weekly_Ad_6955 Sep 29 '22

I'll never forget pushing my toddler through the mall in her stroller when she started to shout really loudly 'No more sex! No more sex Mom!!'

As you can imagine, a lot of heads were turned quizzically towards me at this. I couldn't figure out where in the name of God this had come from, when I realized that in trying to pacify her and buy a bit of time in the last couple of stores I had said 'just one more sec sweetheart, one more sec'.

And while I was impressed with her ability to pluralize I was mortified as I walked back to the car with her still yelling 'NO MORE SEXXX!!'

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

second kid: "Why Are You Booing Me? I'm Right"

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u/ghanjaholik Sep 29 '22

lol, who just leaves a random, innocent comment and then decides to [delete] their account 36 mins later?

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u/chickeman Sep 29 '22

Gigachad make a new account for every comment

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u/Lucio-Player Sep 29 '22

Probably for a different reason

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u/BetrayalWithFist Sep 29 '22

This girl's parents have a lot of weed at home

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u/keeerman13 Sep 29 '22

My SIL (f46) told Background Investigating Officers, who were investigating me for my Top Secret clearance, that I had been deported 3 times.

  1. I was born here
  2. She meant deployed (military)
  3. I had only been deployed twice, not three times.
  4. We will never let her live it down.

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u/kaydyee Sep 29 '22

My youngest daughter is 9 months old, and my 4 year-old is still at home since she isn’t attending school this year.

My older girl is usually around for diaper changes and hears me call the baby’s bottom “hot-crossed buns” that I’d “love to eat.”

Not long ago, someone was asking my 4 year-old some of her interests and things she likes. She of course mentioned Paw Patrol, her favorite color, and also some of her favorite treats.

“I loooove chicken nuggets,” she said. “But mom loves eating butt. She can eat butt all day.”

I was mortified.

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u/nerlinhammy Sep 29 '22

heard me call the baby’s bottom “hot-crossed buns” that I’d “love to eat.”

Not gonna lie, that’s really weird that you do that.

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u/Magicwolverine_48 Sep 29 '22

When I was a kid I thought the saying was “look both waves before crossing the street” so I would look both ways AND wave in each direction enthusiastically, regardless if anyone was there or not

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

Kids always find the worst possible way to word innocent things

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u/spatialflow Sep 29 '22

My dad worked for the IRS (sorry everybody) and I remember in elementary school my sister was telling people he worked for the IRA.

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u/Budson420 Sep 29 '22

In first grade I told my teacher my dad only had one testicle… he had one KIDNEY. She brought it up in the parent trencher conference lol

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u/SheenTStars Sep 29 '22

When I was 7-ish, the school distributed pamphlets on condoms. The banana-shaped character put the condom on his head and rolled it down. I assumed a condom was a hat that for some reason you can pull down to cover your whole body. Much later, I saw my much older sister wearing a beanie. I asked her if that was a condom. During dinner. In front of the whole family.

I got grounded.

My mom blamed the raunchy magazines my sister bought. No mom, it was from school. And my parents never explained to me what condoms were.

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u/Eiju23 Sep 29 '22

Kid which I have to live with knows that the apartment next to us once burned (long before he was born). Sayed in his nursery school that our apartment is burning rn 🙄 how can he be so stupid he's fucking 6

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u/Expert_Rest2443 Sep 29 '22

I think you kind of asked and answered that one on your own

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